Who is Ray

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Who is Ray

Post by Maya on Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:22 pm

Just a brief overview of the personas within this system, starting with Ray.

I will apologize in advance if the others are slightly later in providing the same information - at present I am the only one out and it may be some time before others make any sort of appearance.

Ray was the original persona in this system.

To be absolutely honest the memories of childhood are few - definitely far less than it would seem "normal" people might remember from childhood. From age 12 onwards memories are much more consistent and clear.

What is remembered with absolute clarity is a topic often recounted by my Mother when she was alive. As a small child I had what my mother called "two imaginary friends" who would invariably be responsible for any wrongdoing. It was not until much later in life that I began to realise the significance of these two "friends".

By the age of 11 or 12 my Mother had arranged a child psychologist to conduct a series of interviews with me due to her concerns over what she considered "behavioural problems". At the time I didn't see any issues at all but part of me was terrified at the implications of the interviews she had arranged - yet somehow I found an incomprehensible level of calmness coupled with just contained aggression that enabled me to conclude the second of the interviews having convinced the psychologist that it would not be in his best interests to meet with me again.

From those times until my early 20s I was aware of very different "moods" and became increasingly aware that they were not just "mood swings", my entire opinion an a given subject could be different from one day to the next. I could often undertake a task one day, undo it all the next day and then sit there wondering on the third day why on earth I had undone all my hard work.

By the age of 18 I had learned to control my system - in effect I could ensure that "Ray" remained the one in control, the one dealing with day to day activity (work etc) and I retained that ability. Two specific personas combined did have the ability to force their way through but only if they acted together.

Ray by nature is clinical, considered, decisive, quick thinking, considerate, protective, loving.

At various times in life a strong desire to be female emerged. As a child this was powerful and of no major consequence - children have no fear of societies reactions as that is normally something that is developed later in life. By teenage years this desire returned on and off and was treated (by Ray) as "a fantasy" - something to keep well out of the eyes of anyone else.

Somewhere in the midst of those years a distinct persona split away from Ray. That was the feminine side of me and subsequently became known as "Star". Star shared a clinical role within my system for many years. She would have virtually perfect memory of anything I have done and might even believe those things to be things she too could do. Truth is that she could not, just as I would be unable to accomplish certain things she could.

Within recent times I evaluated my system and realised amongst other things that if my system was to succeed I could not exist side by side with Star in the same role as this would create conflict and a lack of independence or cooperation. I then adopted the role of protector.

I agreed to support my system to achieve its goals and not to fight them - not an easy agreement to make but I made it anyway.

In my teenage years I became aware of a healer within me. A persona with strength, poise and an absolute confidence that was greater than even my own. That healer could operate within my system (self healing) or equally outside (healing others). It choses to heal only within unless asked by me to do otherwise and in the 30 years since I came to recognize that persona it has only ever attempted to heal two people (external to my system) of its own choosing. Isis. "I am all that is, was, or ever will be."
Isis will introduce herself in due course, this paragraph serves only to confirm her existence and my acknowledgement of it.

A fourth persona emerged (or at least I became aware of it) much later in life. One that could adopt a new life without regrets, concerns, recriminations. It was known at "The Baby" and later adopted the name Mesperyan. She is gentle, kind, caring and sensitive. Rejection or failure are probably the worst things Mesperyan could ever experience and these are things I have become active is trying to assist her with.

So back to Ray. My role has constantly developed and redefined in the last year. I was at a point in time resigned to an existence in the background simply supporting my system in a new life yet without any real role that enabled anything else. Little did I know that a connection would take place that would change all that. One that would enable me to live life and have what I had come to believe would never be a possibility without sacrificing others within my own system.

RAY
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Maya
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Join date : 2015-10-25
Age : 43

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